Writing Concisely Exercise

Wordiness can be difficult to spot, particularly in your own writing. On this page, we show you an example of a wordy paragraph, why it is wordy, and how it can be rewritten to be more concise. As you proof read your own written assignments, think critically about what you have written and ask yourself if you could have conveyed the same information more concisely.

Original version

The paragraph below is something that we might see from a student who has not learnt how to write concisely. As you read through the paragraph, think about whether what you are reading is clear.

Wilhelm Wundt was a German who was a physiologist and psychologist. Wundt is credited as being the first person to create a psychology laboratory, which he did in the year 1879 in Leipzig in the country of Germany. The first psychology laboratory is, for all intents and purposes, a very important landmark in the history of psychology. It is this action by Wundth that is thought by many people to mark the beginning of modern psychology. Wundt had the belief that the upcoming thrilling field of psychology should focus on a persons' consciousness. To measure consciousness, Wundt used objective measurement techniques including reaction time. Despite the fact Wundt is considered 'the father of experimental psychology', there is debate among experts concerning his influence on psychology today. Wundt faded away in 1920 after living to the ripe old age of 88. (Word count 140)

Before you read on, see if you can identify what parts of the paragraph make it wordy.

Original version with wordiness identified

The paragraph below identifies those areas where wordiness is present. In each case, the paragraph has been made unnecessarily long. It has also made it more difficult to understand the points being made by the writer and the overall end result is a weaker and less clear paragraph.

Wilhelm Wundt was a German who was a [passive voice] physiologist and psychologist. Wundt is credited as being the first person [reduce phrase to words] to create a psychology laboratory, which he did [passive voice] in the year [redundancy] 1879 in Leipzig in the country of [redundancy] Germany. The first psychology laboratory is, for all intents and purposes, [cliche] a very [unnecessary intensifier] important landmark in the history of psychology. It is this action by Wundt [reduce phrase to words] that is thought by many people to mark the beginning of modern psychology. Wundt had the belief that [reduce phrase to words] the thrilling [unnecessary intensifier] field of psychology should focus on a persons' consciousness. To study consciousness [passive voice], Wundt employed [inflated word] objective measurement techniques including reaction time. Despite the fact [reduce phrase to words] Wundt is considered 'the father of experimental psychology', there is [expletive] debate among experts concerning his influence on psychology today. Wundt faded away [euphemism] in 1920 after living to the ripe old age [cliche] of 88.

An example of a revised version

The paragraph below is an example of how the original paragraph could be written more concisely.

Wilhelm Wundt was a German physiologist and psychologist who is credited with forming the first psychology laboratory in 1879 in Leipzig, Germany. Wundt's laboratory is an important landmark in the history of psychology because it marked the beginning of modern psychology. Wundt believed that psychology should focus on a person's consciousness. Wundt used objective measurement techniques (such as reaction time) to study consciousness. Although considered 'the father of experimental psychology', experts debate Wundt's influence on contemporary psychology. Wundt died in 1920 aged 88 years. (Word count 84)
The above paragraph is not the only way the original paragraph could have be written better. Concise writing can take many forms and will vary according to one's own natural writing style. In what way would you have written this paragraph differently?